Saturday, December 21, 2013

Smaller



My brain is a physical organ.

There are physical differences.

There are little parts in all of our brains, and mine aren't like yours.

That's not something I'm imagining.

It's real. My struggles are real.

A physical brain difference.

It's not the same thing you do. It's not something "everyone goes through sometimes."

It's not "sometimes" at all. It's not "that's not just Aspergers, it's everyone, dear."

Frequency. Severity.

Read that again. Frequency. Severity.

It's not all in my head. It's not self-doubt. I am not selling myself short.

It's not a lack of effort.

I don't just need to try harder.

I am not a failure. I am not failing at "overcoming" my "imaginary" struggles. I cannot control it. I cannot control this disability. I can deal with it. I can cope with it.

I cope with it all day. Every day. That takes effort.

But I can not stop it from being hard. I cannot spontaneously reorganize my physical brain.

I'm not exaggerating it. I'm not hyperfocusing on it. I'm not making a big deal out of it.

If I struggle, I struggle. It's not a mountain out of a molehill. It's not a little thing that I'm making a big thing. If I say it impairs me, that's because it impairs me.

It's not the "Autism card."

If I say it's related to my Autism, that's because it is. It's not because I'm trying to "blame everything on Autism." It's because Autism causes some problems for me.

It's not admitting that "everybody makes mistakes." It's not admitting that "nobody's perfect."

Being told this every time I mention my disability means that I'm not allowed to admit that my disability affects me at all.

Because every time I do, I'll be told that I need to "own up." Be responsible for my mistakes like everyone else.

My disability may affect me in some ways, but not in this specific way right now. This specific time, it's the Autism Card. All other times, it can be real.

It is not the Autism card. It's a disabled person trying to explain what went wrong and why.

I cannot control it. I'm not imagining it. I'm not exaggerating it. I'm not making excuses.

I should not have to explain this.

You should not act like it is your duty to doubt me.

Every time I talk about my disability.

Every time. EVERY SINGLE TIME I mention that my disability causes me to struggle,

I am told that "everyone goes through that."

Or that I'm selling myself short and need to work harder to do everything everyone else does with little effort.

That I can do it if I just try.

That I need to believe in myself.

That I shouldn't make excuses.

That I shouldn't focus on my problems.

It is a disability. It is not an act.

Every time I try to talk about my struggles,

They are minimized.

My disability is minimized.

I am minimized.

Minimize = make smaller.

You make me smaller.
And smaller.
andsmaller